Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures
by god-of-crazy
Summary: In one corner, stands a round pink ball of puff.  In the other, a tower of raging fur and muscle.  FIGHT!
1. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 1 Meeting

I do not own these characters. I do own the universe, however. bwhahahahaha (cough cough). Feel free to write a review.

* * *

Morning just came around the corner (not literally, fools...) and in the rich fields, which were bustling with produces, you can see Kirby had just finished sucking them up guaranteeing a famine within the area. As he ran away, he heard cries such as "Why god... why?" or "There goes my house..." or even one that said "Give me back my child!" 

Kirby spat out that child and continued running away from the angry mob that were waving their pitchforks and torches at him.

He headed towards a merging in the road where Frankenstein was also being chased by an equally homicidal mob and their standard mobbing equipment. When they began running side by side, they looked at each other.

Through each of there minds ran a locomotive engine with a single freight of a thought: _"What a hideous freak of nature!"_

At a fork in the road they headed off in separate directions.

While still evading those angry farmers, he tried to remember how he got stuck in Hyrule.

Before his eyes the scenary began to warp.

Kirby shook his head. "Those Mushrooms I ate are freaking me out!"

_No, you're not getting stoned. It's a flashback._

"Oh."

* * *

Right under a large oak tree, Kirby snored the night away. The noise killed the surrounding plants and caused several small cute animals to run away. As the sun started to filter through the trees, it prompted him to wake up. While bending and stretching a monstrous fart escaped from his butt, which killed whatever vegetation was left. 

"Hmm..." pondered Kirby, "better eat more fibre."

He strolled around the surrounding area looking for a source of water. Approaching a lake, Kirby leaned down and scooped up some water. While bent, he saw his reflection.

Cue spit take.

THBTTTBBBTTTTTHHHHHH!!!!!!

The reflection was of him wearing Link's trademark green cap.

"What the F$#!," he exclaimed.

He tried to shake off the hat but it sprouted teeth and bit him.

"OWW!!!" He shouted in pain, before roaring in anger. "GRRR, you're going down hat!!!"

The hat bit him viciously in rapid succession while Kirby ran around, waving his arms to try to knock off the hat. In the end, exhausted and depressed, he conceded to the hat and headed to the lake to recuperate from the gnawing. While gazing at his chubby pink self, he realized something. His arms were too short to reach the hat.

Kirby waved his arms around while shouting to the sky.

"Stupid stubby arms. Stupid round body." He lamented. "Curse the game designers who created me while stoning themselves out of their minds."

He continued walking through the forest head butting against trees in an attempt to off the hat. No such luck. The hat just bit down hard.

He started looking for boulders when a sonic boom caught his attention. Out of the blue sky came a giant streaking object wreathed in flames. And it was heading straight for him.

"Holy SHIT!!!"

He started running as fast as his legs could carry him while attempting to dislodge the hat to throw at the incoming projectile. Now this was unexpected, but Kirby was actually quite an exceptional sprinter despite the lack of legs. A few more seconds would've been all he needed to evade the incoming ball of death completely. Too bad, he didn't have any. The object just grazed him as it impacted against the ground creating a shockwave that blasted him through the air. The slight touch of the super-heated object set his derriere on fire.

"ARRRRGGHHHHH!!!!!"

Upon impact on the ground, Kirby started flailing around like a chronically feces-throwing monkey on crack. He started dragging his ass until the flame was snuffed out. 

After a few minutes of groaning (and making sure his ass was okay), he gingerly walked towards the fallen object. When the dust settled, He discovered that it was giant, grey metal sphere. On the front, in giant, bold, and red letters, was the word Nintendo.

"BY ALL THAT IS DELICIOUS," he uttered in terror. "Nintendo's trying to kill me AND advertise!!!

A voice pierced his fear-hazed mind.

"No Kirby, you have no need to fear your demise. Yet."

Kirby gave out a sigh. "Whew. Wait, what do you mean, yet?"

A LCD screen popped out of the top. A face materialized upon the screen.

"Greeting Kirby, I am Shigeru -."

" -Tiyamato!?"

A moment of silence passed as the voice considered Kirby's response.

"Close enough," he mused.

"Yes," he said at last, "it is I."

**Minutes past**

"so..." .

"Ahem..." mumbled Tiyamato, "... well... lawsuits have been... err... I mean... THE FATE OF ALL THAT IS NINTENDO DEPENDS ON YOU!" He declared in a deafening authoritative voice.

"There," thought Mr. Tiyamato, "that should fool him."

Kirby stared at the LCD screen with a dumbfounded look.

"You realize there's caption on the screen that dictates your thoughts, right?"

* * *

For the few that read my story in its previous format, surprise, I've decided to rewrite everything. Why the long wait? Well, school and work tend to consume ones time. Anyway, I'm going to try and finish this and hopefully I won't get writers block in the near future. 


	2. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 2 Explanat...

I do not own these characters. That should be obvious.

* * *

Where we last left off, Kirby was speaking to Mr. Tiyamato, who turned off the annoying caption, concerning the fact he was wearing Link's hat. A rather vicious hat that seemed rabid but otherwise perfectly normal.  
  
"Well you see Kirby," he said as he began to recite his epic tale, "tyrannical forces, that wish to rule us with an iron fist, are on an endeavor to enslave Nintendo. Then they would utilize our resources to create games, which would brainwash our consumers into believing you are a god.  
  
Kirby stared at him skeptically.

"Really?"  
  
Mr. Tiyamato flashed a grin. "Maybe a god of pink doughnuts and tutus."  
  
Kirby's face began to take on a shade of dark red.

"So what the hell is going on then!?" raged the pink puff.  
  
"I don't have all the details," admitted Tiyamato, "neither have I confirm the veracity, but the scenario in question concerns a bus of nuns being destroyed by Captain Falcon."  
  
Kirby's eyes swelled to the size of dinner plates. "HE KILLED A BUNCH OF NUNS!????!!!"  
  
Tiyamato gave a sheepish grin, "Did I say bus of Nuns?" he inquired coyly. "Sorry my mistake. I meant that Captain Falcon destroyed the Nun's bus."  
  
Kirby flopped back from shock, relief and irritation.  
  
Tiyamato continued. "They claim that he was trying to kill the servants of God. The Pope himself denoted him as the foreseen anti-Christ that would destroy Christendom. Personally, I think he knocked back one too many brews."  
  
"I had told you that he's an alcoholic."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Tiyamato, "but carpooling with him is great."  
  
"...okay.... Were there any witnesses?"  
  
Tiyamato bent his arm to brush his chin and tried to look thoughtful. "Well, It was an auto accident during broad daylight on a busy street with people congregating to church, in the middle of New York City, so there could have been a slight possibility that a person might have been present at the time of the accident. It's a wild guess of course."  
  
"Are you being sarcastic?" asked Kirby.  
  
"Why, what gave you that idea, all-knowing one?" said Tiyamato, with a poorly feigned look of innocence.  
  
Kirby leapt up to the LCD screen to give it a hard slap.  
  
_WACKKK!!!!!  
_  
"Cut it out!"  
  
When the screen stopped shaking, Mr. Tiyamato resumed his narrative exposition. "Anyway, one witness saw him yelling at the bus furiously. Another saw him taking a crowbar and knocking out the aforementioned witness. Another saw him urinating on the bus, followed by a victory dance."  
  
Kirby felt sympathy for the victims. "Those poor people."  
  
"I agree with you, I heard Falcon danced terribly," Said Tiyamato, as he replayed the videotape of the accident. "He must fire his choreographer."

Kirby expected that. "Go on."  
  
Tiyamato continued his sordid tale. "Since then, the church has filed a lawsuit against us since Captain Falcon is an employee of Nintendo. Therefore the company as a whole is held liable."  
  
"So can you explain the basis of the lawsuit?" Kirby began to list off a few reasons, "was it negligence, impair driving, or is it emotional trauma?"  
  
Tiyamato gave a shrug and an embarrassed chuckle. "Well, let me put it this way..." he said, "Captain Falcon should've kept his 'helpful' hands to himself."  
  
Kirby tried hoping, but he knew the outcome. "So the Nuns..."  
  
"Beaten him to within an inch of his life." Tiyamato struggled to contain his laughter. "Now we have to deal with a sexual harassment suit. Our lawyers have launched a counter-suit claiming that the Nuns made the first move. Being celibate for so long, they were obviously tempted by Captain Falcon's physique and charm."

"No one will believe that story!" Kirby criticized harshly. "That's stupid beyond belief!"

Mr. Tiyamato gave a deep frown. "Damn, you're cynical. Even if that doesn't work, we could always bribe the Department of Justice."

"What're you going to pay them with?" Kirby inquired mockingly. "Monopoly money?"

Tiyamato slammed a fist into his palm "That's a brilliant idea! But the bad news is that we don't have enough, so we might have to deal them Board Walk. However, I am keeping Park Place. I've already invested in some hotels at that location."  
  
Kirby nodded. "I see. So, how does this all tie in with me wearing Link's hat."  
  
"Since the beginning of the lawsuit we decided to lay off the highest paid Nintendo characters to preserve our monetary resources." said Tiyamato. "We kept you around because you have the ability to mimic their characteristics, to some extent, with almost no additional cost except for the characters personal items."  
  
Kirby suddenly came to an epiphany. "So I have to live the lives of these characters until the lawsuit is dropped?"

Tiyamato nodded his head. "That or the lawsuit destroys this company and ultimately you."  
  
Kirby stared at his employer. "...You're not much of a motivational speaker are you?"  
  
"No. No I am not." Replied Tiyamato confidently.  
  
" ..."  
  
"..."  
  
**Minutes later  
  
**Kirby finally fed up with Tiyamato's silent spells broke the quiet.

"Why do you keep stalling?" he asked.

"I do this for dramatic effects," Tiyamato responded with a tone of superiority.

"You failed miserably."

Tiyamato shot back "What do you know? You're just a pink bag of hot air."  
  
"Ooooohhhh noooo," wailed a very sarcastic Kirby, "that last comment destroyed my self-esteem. Not. Do I at least get Link's salary?"

Mr. Tiyamato shook his fore finger. "Didn't you hear what I said? We have to preserve our funds."

Kirby rolled his eyes in frustration and disbelief. "Then why should I listen to you?"  
  
Mr Tiyamato showed a toothy smile. "I have powers beyond your wildest dreams. In fact, I'm making you scratch your own ass right now."  
  
Kirby looked in disbelief. "I find that hard to be..."  
  
He stopped in mid-sentence for he noticed the busy scratching of his ass by his right hand.  
  
"A little to the left."  
  
"How's that?" asked Tiyamato.  
  
"Perfect." Responded a satisfied Kirby.  
  
" I think we have a better understanding of one another, don't we?" 

A question nagged at Kirby though. "Why can't you force those marquee characters to work without pay?

Mr Tiyamato's face showed the slightest twitches of anger. "Their contracts bar me from doing so. You, however, have no such contract in place. In fact, I believe that I'm being too generous in letting you work for peanuts."

Kirby takes out a calling card.

"Lionel Hutz," he proclaimed in a demonic timbre. "This is one more client that's going to burn you alive!"

He tears it up to reinforce his vow.

Kirby gave a sigh. "I guess I have no choice."  
  
"Good." Exclaimed a happy Tiyamato. 

Off screen, Mr. Tiyamato flips a few switches.

"Since you understand your new assignment, this nuclear-powered, diamond encrusted sphere will self-destruct in 10 seconds."  
  
Kirby panicked and raged at the same time. "I thought you were trying to save money!!??"  
  
"I could explain the reason for this waste of extravagant expenditure," Tiyamato checks his Rolex watch, "but you have only 5 seconds."

As Kirby started to retreat from the sphere, Mr. Tiyamato started to slow down time.

Mr. Tiyamato also slowed down his own voice "Still think I don't have a flair for the dramatics, Kirby. HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Kirby's voice was also made slower, "Yeah, I still do."

"Curse you Kirby!!!"

At the end of Tiyamato's decree, the sphere explodes sending trees, rocks, dirt, and Kirby through the air.


	3. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 3  And awa...

I do not own Smash Brothers. I wish I did though....

* * *

A whistling pink object, made a crash landing roughly ten miles from the explosion.

He looked around and saw Oak trees, bushes, and grass all wither up and die. This was due to the massive dose of radiation he received from the explosion. This massacre of plant life reminded him of something important.

"I'm hungry."

Before heading off to find a community to mooch off, he thought it wise to shake off the nuclear fallout. He experienced eating dead things before. Corpses had a stale taste. He found that out while working at a pet cemetery. He was fired when his employer was informed that he was the one that dug up, and therefore defiled, a grave. He remembered it all too well.

* * *

"People eat store-bought chickens that happen to be DEAD," reasoned Kirby, "so why can't I eat one that's dead and buried?"

"You can't go around eating pets." Replied Kirby's boss.

"I only ate one!" Kirby said, trying to appease his boss.

His employer slammed his fist down upon his oak desk. "You did that while the family was watching!!! "

* * *

The mere memory had soured Kirby's day even more.

"Stupid loving family...had to visit on the anniversary of their pet's death."

He got on all fours and shook himself like a dog and scattering radioactive fallout throughout the air. Feeling radioactive free, he rambled off through the forest.

The nuclear fallout, meanwhile, descended upon a lake. Most of the fishes in the lake died off. Four others mutated into adolescent altered shinobi ichthyoids, only to be eaten by their master, a mutant cat who happened to be a lousy sensei. On a pathway near said lake, two people were walking and arguing loudly. One carried a bucket, the other a walking stick.

"Grandma! Why do we have to walk today?" Whined the skinny brat. "It's too sunny."

The old lady just gave a sneer at her young charge. "Shut your yap, you waste of existence! I need to get some water to cook food. Ya know, the stuff you need to stay _alive_. Idiot."

When they reached the edge of the lake, the old lady shoved her grandson and smacked his butt with her cane.

"Now do your job you piece of crap and get my water, or I'll open a can of whoop ass on you!"

The kid rubbed his sore ass. "You know, most people say please."

The lady waved her cane at him. "Just get it, you smart-ass!"

The kid bent down and scooped up some water.

"Taste it first!" Shrieked the old woman. "I don't want any Cucco crap in my water!"

"Why bother," murmured the kid. "You're nastier than any kind of crap."

The kid took a swig of the water with a ladle and smacked his lips.

"Hmmm, tastes funny."

The old woman impatiently tapped her foot. "Hurry up you freak of life."

Unreasonable rage started to flood his mind. "Ohhh!!! She makes me so MAD!!"

The kid starts transforming becoming a 20-foot tall green giant, bulging with muscles. When the metamorphosis was complete, the Hulk-Kid started to roar.

"**GRRR!!!! HULK-KID SMASH PUNY OLD GRANDMA!!!"**

The monstrous figure walked towards his decrepit grandmother while rubbing his boulder-sized knuckles.

The old lady just scoffed at her grandson's sudden growth-spurt. "So you want a fight, huh!"

The old lady tosses away her walking stick and brings out her beating stick.

"Bring it on, you whippersnapper."

The Hulk-Kid, formerly known as the Kid, lunged at the old lady who brandished her beating stick at the incoming giant. Their battle would destroy parts of Hyrule and most of the countryside. However, few would care of homes being destroyed. Link and Zelda have always been the focus in Hyrule. For now, so is Kirby.

(END FLASHBACK)

Strolling through the town in search of...

_Wait, What's that? How did he escape from the farmers? Why magic of course. Any other plot hole you spot, remember. Its magic! ............Magic!_

Kirby lacked a weapon so he went to find a store that sold weapons. He found a sleazy run-down shack. Staring out of the window was a devious looking proprietor rubbing his hands and flashing a predator's smile.

"Eh." He figured. "Beats K-Mart."

He entered the store and started to browse the wares. He noticed that blade and hilts were sold separately. There also happened to be an option to upgrade the blade from wood to rock. He walked up to the store Proprietor.

"Whatcha got in the back."

"Welll sirrr," he puts an object on the counter, "I have this experimental prototype weapon. One of these will bring down a giant."

Kirby stared at the giant killing device.

"It's a rock..."

The proprietor proudly smiled. "That's right it's a rock. The same rock that killed Goliath."

"I saw you pick it up outside while I was walking here," pointed out Kirby.

"Of course," said the shopkeeper. "I kept it outside for people to admire. You don't think I let this eye candy go to waste do you?

"I think I'll pass. Do you have anything else?

The Proprietor placed another item upon the counter. "I have this Mossenburg 12 gauge shotgun."

"What?"

The shopkeeper bellowed: "I SAID IT'S A-"

"I HEARD YOU, DUMBASS!"

The proprietor was slightly taken aback by Kirby's outburst. "So what's your problem?"

Kirby prodded the shotgun a few times. "Umm... isn't this weapon an anomaly in a land filled with blades, shields, and bows?

The proprietor looked puzzled. "Whatever do you mean?"

Kirby restrained himself from murdering the proprietor. "Never mind..."

The proprietor snapped his fingers. "Well, we do have a sword that could rival the Master Sword."

Kirby felt his luck changing. "Perfect, bring it out."

"Wait one moment, sir. I must fetch it from my secret underground vault."

"Hey," said Kirby. "You just told me about it. What's so secret about it now?"

The proprietor puts on a pair of shades and takes out a neuralyzer.

"What the..." uttered the surprised star warrior.

FLASH, FLOOOM.

Kirby felt his luck changing. "Perfect, bring it out."

The Proprietor gave a slight nod.

He headed off through the Stock room door. Kirby past the time by looking out of the dust coated windows. He happened to see the proprietor, with a spray paint can, walking outside.

"What the hell?"

The Proprietor gathered a bunch of sticks together, spray-painted them sliver, and taped them together with duct tape. With a cheerful whistle, he headed back towards his store.

"..."

While heading back towards the cashier register, the Proprietor tried to be discrete in taping on a hilt for his make shift sword.

He bowed his head before Kirby and stretched out his arms presenting him a weapon worthy of praise from an arts and crafts student from Kindergarten. "May I present to you, the not-quite-so Master Sword."

"Listen," began Kirby, "I-"

The proprietor barreled on. "Since you're such a nice guy, I'll knock off 1 off its original retail price. That comes up to be 49500 rupees."

The snapping of Kirby's temper frightened wild life. "Listen you cesspool of shit! I don't know what people told you about me! But I can think, I do have a centre of logic, and I am not just filled with hot air! In fact, I don't need any of your shoddy merchandise!

In a huff, Kirby left the store in a hurry.

**Ten minutes** **later.**

"Look whose come back to this sorry cesspool," announced the proprietor with a smug sneer. "With his fancy eye patch, his elegant sling, his gnawing piranha, and a colourful icepack placed meticulously over their crotch.

Kirby slammed down a bag of rupees upon the counter. "Just give me the shotgun."


	4. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 4 Destiny ...

I do not own...something, something.

* * *

Kirby was travelling the dirty unpaved roads when an old man blocked his path. 

"Can I help you, sir?" Asked Kirby.

The old man gazed upon Kirby with a steely stare.

"Heed my words, hero!" Proclaimed the old man. "For you to conquer the evil that permeates the land of Hyrule, you must follow my wisdom!"

Kirby felt his sensibilities die within. Here was the stereotypical prophet to direct the hero to his so-called destiny. The originality in this Adventure of Zelda apparently died alongside with Disney's and cable T.V.

Kirby squinted at the old man. _What a nut case. _He thought.

The old man ignored Kirby's scrutiny. "To acquire the strength to defeat your arch-nemesis, Ganonndorf, you must travel and face adversity the likes, which would cripple the soul of mere mortals."

_Looks like it crippled your brain. _Kirby thought with an inward chuckle.

"To that end," continued the old man, "I present to you two paths that will enhance your strength ten-fold."

This piqued Kirby's interest. "Go on." He urged.

"You can either journey throughout Hyrule and gather the items of renown..."

As was well known through the lands of Nintendo, Kirby is a master slacker. Work made him nauseous.

"Augghh, no way."

"Or you can journey through the 'Dungeon of No Return.'"

"Is it shorter?" Asked Kirby.

"Yes," answered the old man, "but-"

Kirby chose to start ignoring him. "Then away to the dungeon I go."

"Fool!" Berated the old man. "No one has returned from that sanctity of demons and monsters. I myself was forever lost in that abysmal labyrinth."

Kirby gave the old man a mock sympathetic look. "Really, because to me it looks like it was just your mind."

The old man's eyes suddenly became dark as the depths of the Void. And when he spoke, his voice beckoned the damned to rise up from Hell.

"**Not only my mind my mortal friend," **The old man thundered as undead rose from their graves.** "That godless domain stole my SOUL!!!!" **

A few minutes of awkwardness passed. The zombies themselves started to invade a helpless town.

"I...I have to be going now," stammered Kirby.

Kirby gently shoved the man aside and headed towards the Dungeon.

The old man returned back to his prophetic, semi-sane self. "Remember my wise words, friend."

Kirby made a brief about face. "And you remember to check yourself into a loony boon that has a certified exorcist."

He started sprinted as fast as he could away from the geezer.

* * *

The dungeon was quite easy to find. After all, Kirby mused, whoever created it had to incorporate a method of feeding for whatever monster that took residence. 

He strolled into the dark, entrance carefully treading upon the ground for fearful of traps that could maim him.

When he entered a cavern lit by torches he breathed a sigh.

To his relief the labyrinth was actually a straight path leading up to an enormous iron-wrought door. To his disappointment it meant the old man was lying.

He strolled up through the iron-door. The room he was in was pitched black.

"Uh-oh, Kirby senses tingling," he said while the author got sued for copyright infringement. "That can only mean one thing..."

The door slammed shut behind him.  Torches became lit by magic. His eyes squinted in the sudden illumination. In front of him stood a giant scorpion.

"GRRRRR!!!!"

Kirby stood frozen in shock. As the scorpion continued growling, but doing nothing, Kirby's shock faded to fear, than apprehension, and finally annoyance.

The scorpion, sensing an anti-climax, proceeded to slather and clack its pincers.

Noticing no reaction, the scorpion ceased its clacking.

"Screw it," it said. "I'm just gonna eviscerate you."

"I like to see you try," challenged Kirby.

"Oh yeah!" Retorted the scorpion. "You're about to see my floors be decorated with your intestines!"

**Minutes past...**

ZZZZzzzzZZZsnort ZZzzZZZZZZZZZ

"Hey. Hey! HEY!! WAKE UP, DAMN IT!!!" Demanded the monster.

Kirby slowly awakened from his slumber and gave a great yawn. "Its not my fault for falling asleep." He said drowsily. "You just stood there."

The scorpion somehow managed a bashful look. "Well I was trying to figure out a way to kill you."

Kirby tried not to burst out laughing.

"I see," he said with a stoic face.

A rare moment of brilliance suddenly struck Kirby's brain. He flipped the shotgun and pointed the muzzle at himself.

"Now," Kirby said loudly, "I shall destroy you with this boom stick. Which...ehhh...killed Goliath."

"Didn't David do that with a rock?" asked the scorpion.

"...No."

"Gimme that!"

The scorpion swiped the gun and held it exactly as Kirby did a moment ago.

The scorpion chuckled. "So long, loser."

It pulled the trigger and promptly shot itself in the face.

**BOOM**

Kirby gave a spiteful laugh. "Heh suc..."

The scorpion scratched its head in confusion. "...Didn't do anything."

"_Oh... crap...,_" thought Kirby.

The scorpion tossed the gun back to Kirby. "It's broken pal. Hope you got warranty"

Kirby started brainstorming. _"What the hell do I do now?"_

Suddenly an angelic version of Kirby popped out of nowhere onto Kirby's shoulder, and a devil version of Kirby on the other. A holographic image of Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared on Kirby's head.

"Kirrrrrbby," whispered Obi-Wan, "use the force!"

"But I don't have the force!" Protested Kirby.

"Well then my friend, you're screwed."

Then he vanished.

The angelic Kirby chimed in. "Kirby, believe in yourself!"

Kirby shot the angelic Kirby a venomous stare. "How the hell is that supposed to help me? Give me advice that I can actually use."

The Devil Kirby started pointing his finger to the ground. "Oooh, look, a shiny penny!"

"Look," an annoyed Kirby muttered, "I need some concrete advice, not philosophical crap to ponder while he guts me, and there ARE no pennies."

The Devil Kirby pointed towards the monster. "Oooh, look, a shiny dog!"

Then as if someone was listening to Kirby's pleas for help, another apparition appeared, which looked vaguely familiar.

"Old man?"

The apparition gave a nod. "It is I, who has come in your direst of perils."

"I've already met an angel, a devil, and a holographic image of Obi-Wan Kenobi proclaiming me good as dead. What advice can a possessed lobotomized lunatic offer?"

As if deaf to the spiteful comments, the Old Man continued talking. "Heed my wisdom, for I shall present to you a vision to aid you!"

A plasma flat screen television rose up from the solid rock floor of the cavern. The Old Man took out a remote and flipped the on switch.

"Behold!"

* * *

An old wheezy voiced the title captions: 

"And now Moleman presents to you: Football in the groin."

A camera shot of Hans Moleman standing outside his door. A football comes from off screen and hits him in the groin.

(_DOING)_

He collapses clutching his groin.

_FIN _

* * *

Everyone, except the old man, stood in stunned silence. 

"Remember this, Kirby," said the old man as he vanished, "for it is your key to victory. Farewell!"

The Old Man vanished along with the heaven and hell hallucinations of Kirby.

Kirby shook his head in aggravation. "Worst advice _ever_!" He proclaimed.

The scorpion snapped out of its stupor. "I think I've waited long enough."

It lunged at Kirby.

"WAHHHHH!!!"

By accident, Kirby triggered his shotgun. The blast impacted upon the scorpion's underbelly...a little lower actually.

"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!"

The Scorpion fell clutching its groin.

The exit immediately appeared afterwards.

Despite the salvation that lay ahead, Kirby felt the need to mock the castrated creature. "Don't worry, I don't think the ladies will notice anything different from before!"

Then he dashed for the exit.


	5. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 5 Court is...

I do not own Smash Brothers. I have friend who does though...But that's irrelevant.

* * *

Sunlight hit his forehead. It was finally over. His foray of the "Dungeon of No Return" was over. He would always value the lesson that he learned from his ordeal. 

Groins were vulnerable to shotgun blasts.

Kirby lied on the grassy terrain, about to take short nap, when he realized he hasn't eaten anything recently. A flash of a white-feathered bird caught his attention.

" Mmmm...," drooled Kirby, "chicken!"

Little did he know it was not a chicken, but a Cucco!

Kirby tied the defenseless bird to a tree stump, loaded his shotgun, and chuckled.

**BAM!   
**   
Now for sum good eatin'! Oddly, though, instead of making the fowl dead, shooting the bird made it absurdly ballistic.

Kirby scratched his scalp with his gun. "What the hell?"

Confused by this, he just stood there... until...

"Say," he pondered, "Those specks, on the horizon, look very familiar."

**BAWK!**

Kirby started screaming like a nerd in an atomic wedgie.

The Cuccos attacked with relentless fury. In the midst of the feathery fury, the hat abandoned Kirby to his fate.

"Hey hat!! Help ME!?"

The hat gave a hoarse, cruel, laugh and fled into the forest.

Kirby shook his visible fist at the fleeing headgear. "Curse you Link's HAT!!!"

He soon became engulf in a sea of fowl.

Struggling to crawl, Kirby searched for a place to die peacefully. Out of the corner of his eye, a Ferrari was deftly manoeuvring itself through the forest. Several metres away from Kirby, it applied its brakes stopping mere centimetres away from his face, tearing up large tracts of grass and dirt in the process.

Kirby breathed a sigh of relief. "Holy Shit! That was clos-"

The driver's door swung open, flattening Kirby's face and knocking him back

Out of the sports car came Mr. Tiyamato, decked out in furs, diamonds rings, and several gold medallions, affixed to monstrous platinum chains that hung from his neck. An extravagant fur-rimmed fedora crowned his head. A pair of wide-rimmed, ruby studded shades obscured his eyes, and a pair of Italian loafers cushioned his feet.

Tiyamato tipped his hat. "Greetings, Kirby."

Kirby plied his face from the soil. "You know, I specifically remembered you telling me the company had to conserve its funds."

Tiyamato gave a nod. "Indeed we are"

Kirby struggled to say something. Mr. Tiyamato just flashed a smile of gold-capped teeth.

In the end, his sense of responsibility took a hike. He looked over his employer's wardrobe.

"What the hell are you suppose to be?"

Mr. Tiyamato gave twisted around, showing off his duds. "Why, I'm a pimp."

"Isn't that illegal?"

"What about it...."

"The cops could arrest you."

Mr. Tiyamato started doing gangster hand signs and motions. "To hell wit the MAN. I gots me some fine Ho's for tonight. For shizzle my nizzle."

"Terrific," said Kirby, "another Asian gangsta, we sure don't have enough of those."

Mr. Tiyamato gave a chuckle. "Relax, I'm joking."

"Then why did you buy those things in the first place?"

"I had to show our investors we were still financially stable."

Kirby started jumping up and down in fury. "WITH RECKLESS SPENDING!!??"

"Relax," said Tiyamato soothingly, "I'll return the items later."

The fire in Kirby's eyes slowly dissipated along with his rage.

"So," questioned Kirby, "what're you doing here?"

Mr. Tiyamato was admiring himself in the Ferrari's side mirror. "Huh? Oh, I'm here to inform you that your break has started."

"Sweet!"

Mr. Tiyamato began tapping foot impatiently.

Kirby eventually noticed. "What's wrong, why are you still here?"

Mr. Tiyamato gave him a disapproving look. "Your break's over."

Kirby grumbled discreetly concerning Tiyamato's mother.

"For your next assignment, you will take over Mario's obligations."

He produced a red cap, from his deep fur pockets, with a big fat M stitched in the front. He tossed it onto Kirby's head.

"Is that good?"

"I don't know," said Tiyamato, "for you're going to be the judge of that. I must inform you that you'll be participating in a new game. You'll be the first one to test it."

"And by testing, you mean that I'm a beta tester," Kirby asked hopefully.

* * *

Was Kirby correct? Fat chance! The name of the game was "Death Bro's." The name speaks for itself. It was mainly comprised of mini-games in which the player's character experiences a hideous death. To his horror, Kirby had to test 697 mini-games! In addition, Mr. Tiyamato gave three more mini-games categorized as an oh-my-god-no-one-can-ever-live-through- the-pain-that-these-games-cause-to-the-character-so-thank-god-that-I-am not- in-it the green light to be incorporated into the game. 

Tiyamato was munching on caviar as he instructed Kirby. "In this mini-game, you have to convince the judge to NOT give you the death-sentence."

Kirby nearly pissed himself. "DEATH SENTENCE?! What crime am I being accused of?!"

Mr. Tiyamato just waved off his concern. "That doesn't matter. It's all part of the game."

"So what happens if they do give me the death sentence?"

"Then you lose a life." Tiyamato said casually.

"But I only have one life!" pointed out Kirby.

Mr. Tiyamato scrapped at the bottom of the caviar tin to get the last bits out. "Than you better not screw it up. Good luck!"

Mr. Tiyamato snapped his fingers and in a flash, Kirby was place inside a courtroom.

Kirby looked around the courtroom. "So, where's my lawyer?"

Judge pointed his gavel to Kirby's right. "He's right beside you."

Kirby turned his head and spotted a drunken old hobo with half eaten loaf of bread in his lap and crumbs that littered his disheveled beard.

"Your honor, I request a new lawyer."

"Oh... and why?"

"I prefer one that can walk in a straight line."

The judge gave a huff of disdain. "Your discrimination is disheartening, Mr. Kirby. Request denied. Court is now in session."

Suddenly, a text box with the following appeared above Kirby's head.

The Judge asks for your plea... do you?   
(a) Play the race card   
(b) Bribe the judge   
(c) Claim that you're innocent   
(d) Turn to your lawyer for advice

"This is easy... I'll pick (c)"

Kirby tapped on the letter c and then it opened move options

You have chosen to explain your innocence Do you say that you were?   
(a) Burying fellow Nintendo characters   
(b) Killing someone else at the time   
(c) At a public pool for a family reunion   
(d) Turn to your lawyer for advice

This was ridiculous! Once again, he chose (c).

Judge made a question. "Do you have any witnesses to prove your innocence?"

Again, another box pops out of nowhere

"Yes, you can ask..."   
(a) "My brother who wants me dead"   
(b) "My father, who can mostly be found drunk or snorting coke"   
(c) "My mother who everyone has mistaken for an angel who occasionally descends"   
"from the heavens to help me in my time of need"   
(d) turn to your lawyer for advice

Suddenly, the drunken bum awoke.

Kirby felt a bit of relief. "Phew, for a second, I was afraid I was flying solo."

The Hobo started talking to his briefcase. "If I wer you, I'd say (a). Afte all, peple wo wats you dead wood due anithin to hep you!"

Kirby felt that bit of relief eaten by wild wolves and shitted out into a volcano. "Like I said, it's solo time!"

The hobo resumed catching Zs.

"I'll pick (c)."

The judge rose out of his chair. "The court has heard the defendant's testimony and alibi. I will now process the data and hand down the appropriate judgment."

Emotionally drained, Kirby slumped in his chair. "What, that's all! Phew, for I second there, I thought I would be..."

"GUILTY!" Proclaimed the judge in a thunderous voice.

"Innocent..." Kirby did a double take. "Wait a second, guilty?"

The judge grinned sadistically. "Your sentence is death by rabid grizzly bears. While you're being mauled, grossly overweight, middle age men in Sailor Moon costumes will debate, in front of you, who is the prettiest. Guards! Seize him!"

Kirby fell to his knees, stuck out his arms in anguish.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!"

Suddenly the game froze. Everything and everybody stood still in its place.

Kirby quickly scanned the room. Not one person was moving.

"THERE IS A GOD!!!"

"Why, thank you." A familiar and unwelcome voice said.

The voices originated near the courtroom entrance. Surprise! It was none other than Mr. Tiyamato.

"By the way, I have forgotten to mention to you previously that the game is incomplete."

He gestured towards the door.

"Follow me, and we shall partake of the noontime meal."

Kirby stood back on his feet. "Uhh... sure."

However, before Kirby left, he casually walked towards the judge and just "accidentally" tripped and grabbed the judge's pants down in an attempt to remain upright.

"Heh, heh."

He was about to leave, when he remembered he was short on funds. He walked back to the judge and from the pocket of his fallen pants, withdrew a big fat wallet.

He withdrew several credit cards and waved them in the face of the immobile judge.

"What's that? I can max out your credit cards on anything I want? You're the boss! Huh? You want me to order from an escort service for you? Sure thing, judge!"

Then he walked right out of the courtroom, giving the finger to the guards on the way out.


	6. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 6 cuteness...

I don't own my life. It belongs to a group of aliens who wish to conduct cultural experiments using modern day humans as a control group.

* * *

"Mommy," said an upset child, "a pink thing stole my happy meal." 

His Mother blew a sigh. "Have you been eating Mommy's 'special' brownies?"

The child looked down in shame. "A little..."

The Mother shook her head and then picked him up. "Looks like it's nap time for you soon."

Her little son was too captivated by his hands to pay attention. "Whoa! Dude! I have five fingers! And I can talk! Whoa!"

As they left we can see that Kirby was beneath their table, holding a happy meal box. He inhaled the happy meal and headed back to his table.

Reclining in his seat, Mr. Tiyamato was browsing through a magazine. The front of it said "Rich Tyrants Monthly." He set that aside when he saw the pink puff.

"I see you had a fruitful hour." He said wirily.

Kirby scoffed at him. "It was the kid's fault for not keeping an eye on his food."

Tiyamato nodded sagely. "Indeed, I have stolen pay checks from many characters while they weren't looking."

Kirby starred in astonishment. "You did wha-."

"Your new assignment," chipped in Mr. Tiyamato, "will be somewhat familiar to you." He slapped on a hat, that detailed Pikachu's head, upon Kirby's head.

"You will take over the duties of this nauseatingly cute creature."

Kirby shrugged his shoulders. "I stand around and look cute. How hard can that be?"

Mr. Tiyamato gave a slight shrug. "We shall see."

He snapped his fingers and Kirby disappeared from sight. He sat back and resume reading his magazine.

* * *

The darkness was quite unsettling. The enclosure of the poke ball had a claustrophobic effect upon Kirby. He wondered if taller pokemon had to settle their heads near their ass. Did they go to the washroom? But there was no washroom. He felt hungry. But there was no kitchen. He began to hyperventilate, than realized that there didn't seem to be a vent to draw in oxygen. Slowly he found himself clawing at the walls of the pokeball. 

"LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, a Pokemon trainer and breeder were walking on a beaten path. The taller one noticed something peculiar.

Brock gave his friend a nudge. "Hey Ash, maybe you should let Kirby-chu out."

Ash looked somewhat pissed at the suggestion. "I'm not letting my Pokemon out because he's my best friend."

Brock scratched his head. "Tha...that doesn't make any sense. Look at your pokeball! It's about to burst!"

That was an understatement. The damn ball looked like an imminent nuclear explosion.

Ash just gave a goofy grin. "That just means that he's so happy."

Ash brought the violently, quivering ball to his face.

"Yezzz u r, Yezz, u-"

The ball sundered apart and fragments became embedded into Ash's skull. Brock witnessed it all from behind a boulder.

"Ash," he shouted, "are you ok?"

Ash just waved off his concerned. "I'm fine. No real harm done. My skull's pretty thick."

He dropped the smoking pokeball onto the ground and started picking the fragments out of his head.

"_It certainly is thick," _mused Brock. "_Thick and empty."_

As he completed picking frag out of his head, Ashnoticed a missing familiar presence. "Gasp!" He....gasped. "Where's Kirby-chu?"

Kirby blinked a couple more times, before rising into a sitting position. He took a deep long breath and exhaled.

He heard a voice. "Kirby-chu!"

Kirby spun around. A peculiar human with an absurdly spiky hair and squiggles beneath his eyes was pointing at him.

"Who the hell are you!?" He said.

What ash is hearing is: "Kirby, Kirby, Kirby-chu."

Ash instantly picked him up and started squeezing. Hard.

Ash started sobbing uncontrollably. "I was so worried!"

Kirby started turning red. "Can't... breathe."

Kirby started slapping Ash's head in desperation. He only succeeds in nearly breaking his hands, which was quite a feat considering hehas no bones. He starts to black out.

Brock grew quite worried. "Ash! I think you're hugging him-"

Ash turned his head. "Not hard enough? You're right! He needs an extra squeeze!"

Drawing from the depths of his subconscious, Ash summoned every last ounce of strength he had and drew his arms closer in his embrace of love. Kirby's eyes bulged out before he passed out.

Ash held the limp Kirby at arms length. "AWWW!!! He's asleep. HES SOOOO TIRED!!"

Brock shrugged. "Whatever, lets find a Pokemon center. I haven't molested a Nurse Joy or an Officer Jenny in two days."

Ash plopped Kirby on his head. "Well, we better hurry!"

He stuck out his hand with his forefinger pointed outward in a dramatic pose. The background started flashing in a complicated colour-light scheme giving Brock an epileptic attack.

"To the Pokemon centre!"

Brock was witnessing all from the ground. "NARF!" He would say.

The intrepid duo headed onward to a Pokemon centre, with Ash dragging Brock. Behind them Misty was dragging her Psyduck on a leather leash.

Misty's temper was flaring as usually. "Common Psyduck, why don't you walk faster!?"

Unbeknownst to Misty, the handicap that Psyduck suffered from was a case of being dead. All those massive headaches finally killed him. Ash and Brock, believing they killed Psyduck, hired a taxidermist to stuff the pokemon and affixed the feet with wheels.

From orbit we could see Misty's veins popping out. "You are just impossible you stupid Pokemon!"

Psyduck, of course, said nothing.

Misty shook her fist at her unusually silent Pokemon. "Don't you dare talk back me or I'll slap you so hard it'll actually prevent your headaches! Then where will you end up huh!? That's right, a useless Pokemon!"

Psyduck said nothing, again.

She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "Don't cry Psyduck. Maybe I'm expecting too much from you. Forgive me?"

Psyduck, surprise, said nothing.

Misty's eyes got...well...misty. "Oh thank you Psyduck!"

Misty gives the dead pokemon a bear hug, which dislodged one of its eyeballs.

"Oops," she giggled, "squeezed too hard there. Here you go."

She bent down to pick up the eyeball and reinserted the eye back into the empty socket.

Misty stood up with her hands on her waist, admiring her work. "Good as new!"

She grabbed his leash and started after Ash and the comatose Brock.

Behind them was none other than the nefarious team Rocket.

"I'm so tired of this," whined James, "can't we just kill them?"

"I know," consented Jesse, "We had so many chances to take a gun and shoot them and take Kirby-chu! Why do we always become incompetent around them?"

"Beats me," said a stumped Meowth. "Every time I want to slice those brats heads off, I become dumber than a pile of rocks."

"Yeah," chimed in James, "it's as if some outside force is controlling us, somehow. Making them thevictor every time we face off, and making us look, and think, like buffoons."

Jesse scoffed at his theory. "You idiot, no one controls our destiny, for we are TEAM ROCKET!"

James nodded aggressively. "You're right, Jesse, we are indeed TEAM ROCKET! We are in control of everything!"

Meowth pointed towards the three distancing Pokemon trainers. "Common! Let's go eviscerate those brats and get Kirby-chu!"

Jesse and James roared their agreement.

In unison they took a step. In unison, three bolts of lightning struck them, knocking them out. It began to rain heavily which, remarkably, washed away the carbon scorching. Then the sun came out, flaring at an unusually intensity, and dried out the ground, their clothing, and fur. When they awoke, James slammed his fist into his palm.

"Meowth, Jesse," he slurred, "I just concocted the most devious scheme which involves a giant, frail and expensive contraption and includes no killing!"

"Splendid," said a somewhat dazed Jesse, "why don't you grace us with your idea."

Meowth was busy playing chess with a bunch of rocks.

"Arrgh," he said before kicking the chessboard away. "Best two out a three, Rock!"

The rock, of course, said nothing.


	7. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 7 More cop...

This is Kent Brockman reporting live at the case of the century. According to my sources within the court, the author apparently does not own Super Smash Brothers nor the characters that star in any piece of fanfiction he's written or ever will write. This is Kent Brockman signing off.

* * *

The trainer trio arrived at the centre before the darkness completely cloaked the land. As part of fates design, a Nurse Joy was waiting at the reception desk. 

She greeted them with a warm smile. "Hello Ash, Misty."

She glared murderously at Brock. She pointed a finger at him.

"I heard about you from my sisters and officer Jenny, _Brock_" She hissed his name in undeniably hatred.

A red shimmer filtered through her eyes. "Unlike Jenny I won't just break your legs and chip your teeth."

She slammed her fist through the desk to validate her threat.

Brock heaved a sigh. "Isn't she gorgeous and radiant."

Nurse Joy preceded to spray mace in his eyes while kicking him in the crotch.

Brock just lied on the ground, trapped in a dream stupor.

"She's touching me." He uttered blissfully.

Ash tapped Nurse Joy on her shoulder. "Excuse me, Nurse Joy. I need you to look at my Pokemon. He seems kinda hurt."

Joy stopped beating Brock senseless. Although she did so reluctantly.

She held out her arms. "Let me take a look."

She carefully cradled Kirby in her arms.

Her eyes moistened as she gently passed Him back to Ash. "Whoever did this is one despicable man."

Ash clinched his fists. "Damn it, but I couldn't stop whoever did this."

He unconsciously started squeezing Kirby-chu hard.

"But they better beware," he vowed. "I will make sure that they pay for this mistreatment."

"First I'm goin do this!"

He take his Kirby and starts bashing him against the desk. He continues until the desk is a pile of splinters, most of which are now skewing Kirby.

Ash plopped his Pokemon onto the ground.

"Then I'm goin do this!"

He starts jumping up and down on Kirby. Each time he lands, Kirby flattens out like a pancake then re-inflates when Ash makes another leap.

"Then I'm goin do this!"

Ash takes out a high-power taser and starts zapping Kirby.

Eventually, the taser could only manage to sputter out a few sparks. He throws the spent weapon at Kirby's still prone body.

Nurse Joy took this moment of peace to lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"That is so sweet, Ash. Risking your well-being just for your Pokemon?"

Ash nodded.

"It's the least I can do for what that no good scumbag did. I'm going make that bad guy wish he was dead."

"_So do I," _thought a suddenly conscious Kirby, "_so do I."_

Nurse Joy, picked up Kirby's smoking body. "I'm going to start right away, Ash. By tomorrow, he'll be good as new."

Ash smiled his trademark vapid grin.

"Thanks nurse Joy."

Brock rushed over.

"I think I may have a boo-boo on my finger. Can you check it out?"

Nurse Joy held out her hand. "Let me see," she said exasperated.

Brock placed his hand on Joy's. Instantly his mind starts concocting fantasies of finally having a girlfriend. But wait, what happens next, he asked himself? Stupid Father, he never told him about the birds and bees.

Then reality came rushing back. Nurse Joy had bent his finger until the tip touched his knuckle.

"It looks fine to me. I can recommend another doctor to look at it."

Brock didn't even register the pain.

"That's okay," he responded in a love-sick daze, "I trust your advice anytime."

Nurse Joy gave a shake in disbelief before heading towards the intensive care units.

Ash gave a large yawn. "I think we should sleep now. It's late."

He grabbed Brock and headed towards the sleeping rooms.

"HELLO!!"

Misty managed to arrive just in time...to do absolutely nothing.

"....Well, shit!"

Miffed at her lack of involvement at this point, she also retired to the sleeping rooms.

* * *

Pain was gone. That was good. Insides no longer feel like fire. That should be indicating his health was adequate. Self-narration...sign of insanity, but health is definitely back. 

Kirby opened his eyes and saw the dawn rising.

"What a nightmare. Oh wait, it actually happened. Note to self: plan grievous harm to human personification of stupidity"

He quickly got off the ICU and rushed for the exit.

While Kirby made a bid for freedom, Ash and his crew were shuffling through the corridors. Brock had a trouble holding his coffee, with his finger being broken and all, so it spilled on Psyduck.

Misty gasped and slapped Brock.

"Look what you done! Now he won't shut up!"

Psyduck, of course, said nothing.

"What are you talking about, Misty? Psyduck is- OUFFF"

Ash's elbow was in Brock's gut just in time.

"I mean, Psyduck is really loud today isn't he? Gee whiz, I'm so clumsy"

Misty stuck up her nose at him. "Honestly, it's like he's dead to you two."

Brock and Ash exchanged glances of unease.

At this moment, Kirby was tiptoeing his way to the automatic entrance.

Ash pointed at Kirby like some deranged baby. "Kirby-Chu!"

He started rushing over to him.

Kirby, sensing imminent danger, made a mad dash to the exit.

Before freedom could be attained. The entrance exploded in a million pieces, buffeting everyone present. A particularly large piece crushed Psyduck causing stuffing to spray out in all directions.

"Nooo!!" howled Misty. "You killed Psyduck! You bastards."

She started to charge at the unknown attacker when a rock struck her head, knocking her out.

A giant, robot, with streamlined appearance blocked the entrance way.

**(insert team Rocket motto) **

_Author's note: Like hell I'm going to type it out._

Ash gaped at them. "It's team Rocket"

"REALLYYY," said Brock. "Cause you know, it's hard to tell it's them with the big red R on their shirt and the cat that sticks to them like flies on shit. Why come to think of it, all those times we met, I still couldn't figure out their identify until now, despite the fact they announce themselves each and every time they fight us. Oh how, did you do it, Ash? Do you have psychic powers? Then why don't you just crush them and save us all the trouble? Better yet, why don't you get Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny to like me. Oh Why! WHY DON'T THEY LIKE ME!! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!"

Brock runs off crying. Ash and Team Rocket just watched the outrageous spectacle. Kirby was devouring everything edible.

Meowth turned towards his friends.

"Am I that much of a bother?"

Jesse gave an uneasy grin.

"You are the clingy sort."

James nodded in agreement.

Meowth's eyes grew large and teary.

"If that's what you think, I'm outta here!"

Meowth hopped out of the machine of death and headed off into the sunset.

Jesse slammed her fist against her console. "Drat, the plan would've been fool proof, but we needed Meowth."

James just recessed deeper into his seat and sighed. "This plan has been a bust. We might as well just blow ourselves up."

He slammed a button that said: "In case of failure in plan, press this button."

The robot's reactor core approached critical and exploded, sending debris everywhere.

**(Insert Team Rocket farewell scene)**

_Author's note: See above note._


	8. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 8 Mushroom...

I do not own smash brothers. I do own smash sisters! Pretty boring though. No fighting...just a lot of screaming, yelling, and castrating. Everything a sister does :()p

* * *

The floating clouds of dust eventually settled upon the ground. When each of the people who were present looked over themselves, little harm actually came to them.

Ash wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Man, that was close, huh Kirby-chu?"

Kirby was still devouring the entire breakfast buffet that was meant for them all.

Watching Kirby consuming pile after pile of food irritated Ash.

"Kirby-chu, you put down that steak right now!"

He walked over and yanked away the tasty morsel.

"My food!" Howled Kirby who proceeded to attempt a rescue of his breakfast.

In response, Ash held the steak up high. Kirby's jumps to reach the piece of meat were woefully short.

Ash shook his head vehemently. "You can't eat this, Kirby-chu. You have to get in shape for the 'Nothing Special' league."

He was to participate in an arena with thousands of Ashes? He had to do something. He gathered up all the electrical energy within his Pikachu hat and blasted Ash.

A giant column of electrical energy burst forth from his cheeks and blazed a massive furrow that stretched for kilometres.

When the last vestiges of the energy column faded, Ash was gone.

Brock stood there with his mouth hanging in disbelief.

"You killed him…"

He rapidly made his way towards Kirby.

Sensing danger, but too drained from his attack, Kirby waited for the inevitable beating from a grief-stricken Brock.

Brock instead picked him up and gave him a bear hug. Tears of joy were streaming down his face.

"Oh, thank you, Kirby-chu. The witch is finally dead!"

Kirby made a confused face. "What?"

Munchkins began appearing out of nowhere.

"Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The Wicked Witch!"

Strange creatures and pokemon started prancing around and singing. Kirby tried to resist the urge to zap them all.

Suddenly they grew quiet and pointed towards space. The sky turned an azure pink as a fairy descended amongst the throngs.

"Kirby-chu," said the heavenly being, "you have defeated the plague that has upset our lands for years. For that we all thank you."

Kirby was still in shock, but he managed to recover.

"Ash was an idiot, but what did he do that was monstrous?"

"Why, Kirby-chu," said a genuinely surprised fairy, "you should know that to be in his presence is agony."

Kirby scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"Come to think of it," he admitted, "I have been losing my will to live the moment I met him. His stupidity is certainly painful."

The fairy laughed melodiously. "As a reward Kirby-chu, I shall grant you a wish of your desire."

Kirby knew what to wish.

"I wish to be free from Mr. Tiyamato's control!"

The fairy's face distorted slightly in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, Kirby-chu, but you must fulfill your obligations."

"Oh," said a disenchanted Kirby.

The fairy tried to console him. "Kirby-chu, surely there must be a wish to you want. Perhaps wealth, power, or fame?"

Kirby began scanning his memory, for pieces and fragments concerning his worries, hates. When he found the wish of his desire an evil, cruel grin became public.

He gestured the fairy to bend down to his height. Complying with his wishes, the fairy floated lower and bent down. Kirby whispered his wish.

The fairy's face contorted in restraint laughter.

"Now that wish, I can do."

A wave of her arm sent a spray of magic through the air.

"Farewell, Kirby. May you find joy in your wish."

She started flying away. Everyone watched her ascend towards the clouds.

A tap on the shoulder brought Kirby out his gazing.

"So, what did you wish for?" asked Mr. Tiyamato.

Kirby flashed a demonic smile, with complementary demonic teeth.

"Revenge."

* * *

Lionel Hutz surveyed his surroundings. Everywhere he laid his eyes eye, was harmony. Dogs were sharing with cats. Republicans were joking with Democrats. Even the weather was perfect. Absolutely no conflict could be seen.

"Wha..What's going on? Why isn't there any fighting? Where are the lawsuits and the rampaging injustice?"

A little girl tugged at his jacket.

"You're in Hell, mister. In this place, lawyers don't exist. Therefore, everything is at peace. Ironic isn't it?"

Hutz collapsed to his knees.

"No…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"By the way, I brought someone to keep you company."

She snapped her fingers. A boy in a red cap appeared.

"Hi," he said while extending his hand, "my name is Ash."

* * *

Mr. Tiyamato gave Kirby a pat on the back.

"Nice one K-man."

"Thanks," replied Kirby.

Tiyamato removed the Pikachu hat, only to replace it with Mario's headgear.

Kirby patted at his head. "I thought I was done with the Mario universe."

Mr. Tiyamato shook his head in irritation.

"The princess has been kidnapped again."

Kirby folded his arms and sat down.

"I ain't rescuing that bitch. The last time we met, she thought I was cotton candy."

Mr. Tiyamato frowned at his underling.

"You forget your place, Kirby. All I have to do is snap my fingers and viola, you'll be in the Mushroom kingdom."

And so, Mr. Tiyamato did just that.

"_Heh_," he thought, "_having godlike abilities over someone is cool_."

* * *

The mushroom retainer quickly hopped off the warp pipe and entered into the hut of the famous Kirbio.

"Kirbio! Kirbio! Wake up!" The retainer started prodding Kirby who was fast asleep. "You have to save our princess!"

Kirby just rolled away from the frantic servant. "Let her save herself," he muttered drowsily. "She has to learn the importance of not leaving the castle gate open."

The retainer just redoubled his annoying efforts.

He started jumping on the bed. "But our frail and weak princess is in another castle other then her own."

"Frail? Have you been consuming your LSD stash?" He pointed at the retainers mushroom hat.

"Sir Kirbio, I don't understand why you keep associating the hats of my people with illicit drugs. The citizens of the mushroom kingdom are clean and law-abiding."

Kirbio just waved a languid arm in contempt. "I don't want to hear about it. This entire kingdom is obsessed with mushrooms. Mushroom houses, people wearing mushroom hats, morphing into mushrooms, as well as princesses named after mushrooms. It wouldn't be surprising if your people built a religion around mushrooms and intoxicated themselves as a sign of fealty. The capture of princess Toadstool was probably nothing more than a hallucination on your part. Now go away, I want to sleep until lunch."

Kirby gestured at the door and then pulled the covers over his head.

The retainer stood his place. He reached into his vest pocket and produced a letter.

"Here, Kirbio, actually proof that our princess has been captured."

The retainer shoved the letter into Kirby's face.

Wearily, Kirby plucked the letter from the retainers grip and perused it.

"Dear Kirbio," began the greeting, "was sup, this be Big B."

Kirby snorted. Everyone wanted to have a hip-hop alias these days.

He continued reading the letter.

"As you may know I have kidnapped the princess, yet again. I wouldn't have to do keep doing this if you just stop leeching my fridge. This time, I want you to pick up a dozen cases of Jack Daniels and several dozen tons of meat, and it doesn't matter from what animal. Use Peach's credit card, I left it on her dresser this time. You had better hurry up. You remember how increasingly annoying the retainers become the longer their princess is absent. I imagine your plea in the court will be that it was justified homicide."

The letter ended in an elaborate script. "See you soon, Bowser."

Kirbio pondered over the letter, which was difficult since the retainer was screaming throughout the time he took reading the letter.

"SHUT THE F!## UP!" Kirby screamed at the him, "I'M F##### GOING YOU PIECE OF SHIT!! I'M GOING, SO SHUT UP ALREADY!"

He kicked the retainer out of his way and stormed out of the hut.

"Hooray," said the barely conscious retainer, "our noble hero is going to make everything all right."

Kirby took the time to toss a bomb into the hut. He only took a few steps towards the warp pipe when the bomb detonated with thundering force.

Kirby was sent flying towards the warp pipe. He slammed into the structure with moderate force. He had a slight headache. But it was all worth it. That was one of Toadstool's subjects who wasn't going to bother him. He jumped into the warp pipe with a smile on his face.

Amidst the flaming rubble, a figure emerged from ruins.

"Sir Kirbio," said a weak voice, "I require some assistance."


	9. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 9 Toadstoo...

The ownage...of ssbm...i do not possess. ROX on, ROx off, rox on, rox off...etc.

* * *

It was three quarters of the way to Bowser's castle and Kirby was starting to zone out. More often than not, his opponents preferred to walk off cliffs. He thought it strange that Mario got paid big bucks to do this. It made him laugh almost as hard as the time he watched that old lady slip on a patch of ice. It turned out though, she had a black belt in judo and Tae Kawn Do. 

When she finished integrating the pavement with Kirby's face, she called the police and said he attacked her. The officers, of course, believed the sweet old lady and imprisoned him in a dog pound by mistake. The dogs all thought he was a chewtoy, kirby thought he was ina circle of Hell.

Yup, pleasent memories.

He refocused his attention when another goomba was walking towards him. Once again, he prepared another jump to end its life.

To Kirby's surprise, the goomba stopped, fell flat on its face and started to whimper.

"NO! Stop! No more! I can't take it anymore!"

Kirby halted a few feet away from the goomba.

"I don't know what the hell are you talking about. I just met you."

The goomba proceeded to bust open the water works.

"Do you realize how many goombas there are in this stupid game?"

Kirby began mentally counting his stomp kills.

He couldn't tally a precise count. "At this point i say around 150?"

"Wrong!" Shouted the irate goomba. "There are only five goombas in this game. We are respawned, upon our death, so we can be trounced over and over and over!"

He pointed an accusing foot at him.

"Out of the150 you stomped, I happen to make up half of that statistic!"

He fell on his face weeping.

Kirby felt embarrassed and a little sympathy towards the pathetic underling.

"Uhh, look," Kirby began, "I..I don't have to kill you. I could just jump over you and be on my way."

The goomba looked with teary eyes.

"You do that for me?"

Kirby nodded.

"Oh thank you!"

Kirby smiled at his exultations. "It's no problem."

Just as Kirby was about to leap over him, he tripped. Time seemed to dawdle along, prolonging the terror, allowing the goomba to watch his impending doom served up to him with a can of whoop ass by fate. It all cost around 2.99 with tax.

The goomba blew a hard sigh. "Just remember next time, okay?"

"It's going to be hard to discern you from theother goombas," said Kirby.

"Never mind, just go."

Kirby got off the depressed, and deflated, foe and resumed his travel.

As he continued flattening brain-dead turtles and walking mushrooms, he began thinking about the princess. Never once had he seen her suffer through any bout of weakness. At a SSBM party, he had seen her rip through steel doors that lead to aged wine cellars. Infuriatingly pissed were words that barely described Zelda's rage. She transformed into Sheik and pummelled Toadstool around. Surprisingly, Toadstool held her ground and managed to battle Sheik to a stalemate.

The more he thought about it, the stranger it seemed. On a hunch, he mentally added another item to the grocery list Bowser gave him. The item wass expensive, no doubt about it, but he felt it was going to be a wise investment. Besides, it was Peach's credit card.

* * *

"Damn it, Bowser!" 

The princess slammed the fridge door and stomped her way towards the throne room. The many goons of the turtle king fled before her. Those that did not avoided contact met unfortunate ends. She force feed them bob-bombs and shoved them out of the castle view ports.

At the throne room entrance she placed her hands on the doors and shoved hard. The result was a fragmentation shower of iron and oak wood. Instead of defending their king to the death, Bowser's guards took that moment to wet themselves.

Bowser was passed out from drinking several cases of vodka. Drool was flowing in buckets from his mouth. The occasional fart proved he was still alive.

She marched right up to the snoring turtle and started shaking him violently.

"AHHH! What, What is it?"

She pulled him close to her murderous glare.

"Your fridge is no longer stocked with any raw meat!"

The turtle king frantically looked around for his guards, and he fell into despaired when he saw them soiling themselves.

_Must not follow suit_ he thought to himself.

"Listen," he strained through her iron vice grip, "you're more than welcome to eat one of my troopers."

The princess frowned at his suggestion. "You're army stinks, literally and figuratively! Look at your guards! They don't even use toilets!"

She used her right hand and started slapping him.

"You will get me my food, you damn, dirty, turtle! Do you know why! Because I am getting mad and when I get mad I-"

The princess felt a slight puncture on her neck. She reached behind and pulled out a dart.

"A tranquilizer dart? You must be joking. It will take more than one to-"

She never got out the words as the S.W.A.T. (Special Weapons And Turtles) squad opened fire with modified chain guns that fired tranqs.

The princess tossed the unconscious Bowser onto his throne and headed towards the squad.

The captain roared into his com link. "Command one! I am requesting RPG's! We're probably going to need them!"

The sheer force from the impact of the darts were slowing her down, but however slow she was moving, it was still too fast for comfort for the S.W.A.T. squad.

Finally the ammo belts were expended. The squad became petrified with fear at the silence of their main weapons.

"Everyone back off," whispered the captain. "The tranqs should be in effect at any moment."

Slowly they scooted towards the door. The princess, sensing their fear and attempt at escape, roared a ground-shaking cry. She lunged towards the squad.

"AHH! We're going to die!!"

The troopers hugged each other and waited for their inevitable death.

When the princess crashed into them, each expected her to rip their skulls open and feast on the gooey inside.

When nothing else happened they slowly opened their eyes.

The princess was asleep.

The captain wiped the streams of sweat from his face. He picked up his com link.

"All clear, repeat, all clear. We are proceeding to relocate the prisoner into sector Z. Over."

"Uh, Bob," chirped his com link, "we don't have a sector Z."

The captain scratched his head. "Very well, we shall secure the package within the dungeons."

The response was another negative. "Sorry Bob, but the dungeon was recently renovated into a recreation centre. That and the fact that no one wanted to be posted there would've made it pretty pointless. It was dark, damp, and than there's the smell. I always thought that Bowser secretly installed a toilet there."

The captain resisted plugging himself full of tranqs. "How can we have no dungeon? Is it not a rule, nay a cardinal principle, that all self-anointed foes of those that tread the path of good shall possess chambers of horror and despair?"

The captain heard some rustling of paper in his com piece. "Sorry Bob, apparently our charter of evil has no such amendment."

The captain heaved a sigh of resignation. "Fine we'll just shove her into Bowser's room. Those Mithril doors should be able to contain her."

He shouted commands to his troops to clean up the battleground. He hefted the princess with a grunt and made his way up the stairs.

He groaned as he took the first of the many flights of steps that led to the top and to Bowser's chambers.

"I swear," he told himself, "the princess seems more beast than human."


	10. Kirby's Lawsuit Adventures ch 10 Royal p...

I don't own smash brothers...I got nothing else to say.

(On with the SHOW!)

Kirby was nearly at Bowser's castle. As of this moment, the sky was blue and the sun was waving hello. Kirby started to wave back, except the fact that suns don't wave made him hesitant.

The next step brought about a dramatic change in scenery. In the far distance a giant behemoth monster was roaming through the lands. The sky became pitch black and thunder; rain and lightning came in droves. Eerie phantoms circled the pink puff, whispering words of madness.

When Kirby just kept right on walking casually the ghosts became irritated. One of them floated right up to him.

He jabbed a ghostly skeletal finger at Kirby's face. "Hey buddy, whatsa matter with ya. We are ghosts. We say boo you jump. Gotit?"

Kirby stared coolly at the ghost.

"Halloween's past, remember? The author had his chance to make a creepy chapter but it was too late. It doesn't make sense to make one at this point.

"NOO!" Shrieked the ghosts.

Crazy realized that Kirby was right. He trashed the story and started a new one.

Before him, in its putrid glory, was the castle of Bowser. As intimidating as the massive structure was, it was the bodies around the moat that drew his attention. The piles of unconscious, possibly dead, troopers of the Turtle king made him consider the necessity for a "rescue."

In considering that the event in which he didn't rescue the princess, he estimated that he only had to suffer for a week from the inane babbling and screaming of the retainers before going mad. After that, he'd be too crazy to care about anything.

And the princess seemed distant at times, with all the ear-piercing shrieks and chronic impulse to threaten her subjects with whipping and the shredding of their organs. She was in desperate need of a peer to relate. This was an opportunity for her to establish a rapport with Bowser who, coincidentally, happened to be a king. Well soon to be dead king, but it would be a start.

Just as he started to head back to the Mushroom kingdom, aka Stonerville, he felt a claw clasp weakly around his right ankle. He gazed downwards and saw a beat up koopa.

"Help..us, please. You are our last hope."

The koopa chocked and gasped before keeling over.

Kirby poked him a couple of times.

"Yep, he's definitely dead. Time to go home."

Unfortunately, Kirby felt a moral conflict build up within. His body refused to leave the vicinity of the castle.

"Crap, why was I designed to be a hero?"

Reluctantly, in accordance with his conscious, he walked over the drawbridge and through the castle gate.

He tried not to dwell on the detail that like Toadstool, Bowser also did not lock his castle gate.

"F(!(#, I'm surrounded by morons."

(Inside Bowsers castle)

Bowser opened up his freezer and took out bag of ice. Gingerly he applied it to his swollen cheeks.

He thought of the mess that he got himself in. So far, there were several of his troopers missing. The castle was in a desperate need of a mason. All those gaps and breaches, created by the princess, created a cold draft. The worst transgression that she committed was the emptying of his fridge. Oh, and his troops were psychologically traumatized beyond recovery.

His memory reminded him that the princesses last abduction attempts, though costly at his expense, were never at the magnitude of collateral damage that she brought forth these past weeks.

He checked the time on the clock.

"Time to tranq the princess again."

He shouldered the strap of a tranq chain gun and headed towards his chambers. Nearly at his quarters, he stopped and stared in terror. The entire hallway was littered with bodies. The stone floors and walls were smeared with blood. And the door to his chambers was busted wide open.

With one trembling hand he primed the chain gun while reaching for his comlink with the other.

"Command," he whispered hoarsely, "I am issuing a code red. The princess is out of her room. Send all squadrons of S.W.A.T. to this location. Repeat this is a cod-"

The sound of claw on stone shocked him, causing him to drop his com unit. Wildly, back and forth, he directed his gun to his left than right. But she wasn't in sight. The entire hallway was clear.

Though he couldn't see her, he felt her presence. Like the Reaper had draped his cloak on him.

He bent down slowly to retrieve his com link, never taking his eyes off the corridors. A drop of drool splashed on his shoulder.

He shut his eyes; his fear had him totally paralysed. He heard a loud thump and right before her claw clamped on his shoulder, he silently wished he wore depends.

(Cut back to Kirby)

All around him were either moaning turtles or dead goombas. The walls were breached in several areas and there was blood and vomit everywhere. It reminded Kirby of a soccer match in Britain only much tamer.

He heard a loud scream. He realized that it was Bowser. All those times that he waxed those tree trunk legs, he never shouted that loudly in pain.

Quickly he rushed up the stairs, stopping periodically to catch his breath.

"Damnit," he gasped, "why didn't he installed elevators."

As he made it to the top floor, he found Bowser beaten within an inch of death. He kicked him a couple of times. Bowser responded with a groan.

His eyes flickered opened. "Glad you made it Kirbio. Hope you got the food."

Kirby nodded. "I got it outside. Now what the hell happened."

Bowser waved his claw around weakly. "Are you blind? I got the shit beaten out of me."

Kirby grinned. "I think you mean you got the shit scared out of you. Than you were beaten up."

Bowser tried to retort, but became caught in a spasm of coughs.

Before Kirby walked off Bowser uttered a warning.

"Kirbio, the princess, she's a werewolf!"

Kirby just nodded. "Just lay there and pretend to be dead," he ordered, "I got an ace up my sleeve."

Bowser gave his best to chuckle. "I'm not going anywhere, idiot."

He gasped in pain before passing out.

Several hallways from Bowser, Kirby pulled out a steak from within his inner dimensional pocket.

"Here doggy," he called, "come get the juicy meat."

The moment he heard a roar he tossed the steak down the corridor. He ducked down, barely avoiding the blur of fur. What he saw terrified and disgusted him.

The lycanthrope form of the princess was monstrous in size. Blood matted her fur, drool flowed in rivers from her gaping maw. The only way he could identify her as Peach was the stupid crown on her head.

The werewolf gobbled down the small appetizer and now was eyeing Kirby.

Gathering together his courage and wit he nervously gave her an arrogant smirk.

"Looks like your appearance finally matches your personality. How're you feeling?"

The princess roared loudly, spraying spittle on the ground.

Kirby resisted the urge to flee. "Yeah, you may be bigger, faster, stronger, and…uglier, but I got something that'll take you down in one shot."

He reached into his mouth and pulled out a spherical device.

He waved it around and whistled. "Here girl, see the ball, see how shiny it is, you want it?"

The killing intent of the princess immediately vanished. She sat on her haunches and begged.

"Well, fetch girl." He tossed it down the hallway.

Peach bounded down the hallway. She pounced on the ball and picked it up in her jaw.

Kirby whipped out a trigger. "Nighty night, you furball from Hell."

A trigger of the button set off the thermal detonator. A loud explosion, followed by a wave of intense heat rippled through the hallway, destroying it. When the dust settled the werewolf princess was unconscious and well done.

Kirby emerged from the rubble and dusted himself off.

"Like any animal, you follow your instincts." He said as he walked towards the fallen lycanthrope. He stopped a few feet from her body.

"Yours was the need to do something stupid."

He threw the trigger at the fallen werewolf and walked back downstairs. Back on the first floor, Mr. Tiyamato greeted him.

"Kirby," he said with cheer, "I have good news."

"Oh joy," Said a less than happy Kirby, "what could it be? Does it involve giving a suppository to a dragon?"

Tiyamato draped an arm over Kirby.

"Even better!" He declared. "The nuns have decided to drop the lawsuit. In return they want the right to beat the crap out of Captain Falcon at any time they want."

Kirby scratched his head. "What does Captain Falcon say about this?"

Tiyamato starred in amusement. "Do you care?"

Kirby thought about it and discovered that no, he didn't.

"So," inquired Kirby, "do I get to go home?"

Tiyamato nodded. "Of course, there is no need for you to carry on the obligations of those slackers."

Mr. Tiyamato snapped his fingers. In a brilliant flash, Kirby disappeared from sight. He glanced at the smoking ruin of the princess.

"I guess I should've checked if that pet wolf I gave you was a lycanthrope, huh Peach?"

The princess, of course, said nothing.

(Meanwhile, back in Dreamland!)

He felt it somewhat strange to walk in Dreamland again. It seemed so peaceful and tranquil.

He snapped out of his reverie when his rumbling stomach demanded to be filled. He flipped out Peach's credit card.

"It's gut busting time!"

He dashed off with a mission to discover Peach's credit limit through a scientific process: Purchase any item of food that was in sight until the card was rejected.

The End

Finally, the story is finished! I've been awake since I started writing it. I need some sleep. ZZzZZZzZZZZZZzZZzZz


End file.
